Forgive As You Have Been Forgiven

I have a friend who is writing a book on forgiveness; she asked me to think about a few things relating to forgiveness and write my thoughts.  Below are my ponders which resulted from that request:

What are the three obstacles things that prevent people from forgiving?

My first response is that the biggest obstacle is many of us just feel better holding onto resentment, hostility, and aggression toward the person we have the opportunity to forgive.  I think that sometimes refusing to let go of these emotions…kind of marinating it them and reveling in them…may feel better after experiencing something at the hands of another about which we need to eventually come to a place of forgiveness. 

I believe this can be done willfully or inadvertently, if we don’t realize that is what we are doing until someone points it out to us.  This is known as vengeance.  When we succumb to the “flesh patterns” in our lives, vengeance feels so good!  But it is really so damaging…vengeance stops the flow of love.  And Jesus audaciously teaches us to love our enemies as ourselves.  (Matthew 5:43-45)

Another obstacle can be our inability (or even unwillingness, because of the dynamics I mentioned above) to see the “perpetrator” as a fallen, broken, wounded and damaged person and as a result we are not able look at him or her through eyes of compassion because we don’t understand the dynamics and workings of grace.  (I write more about this below)

 A third obstacle to forgiveness can be the fear of opening our hearts to forgiveness, because of the vulnerability that comes with an exposed heart.  Our sense is that “if I forgive, I will then be open to being hurt, violated or wounded again in the same way.”  In reality, if I keep my heart soft and open, a new depth of love can flow through me (God IS love…) that will protect my heart as I become able to extend forgiveness to those who hurt me actually IN THE MOMENT.  That puts me in such a healthier, stronger and less-able-to-be-wounded position that holding onto the hard, self-protected and closed heart that cannot feel a depth of love because of the self guardedness! 

What are the steps that people need to take in order to be able to really forgive?

Step One:  surrender the perpetrator to God and their “sin” or “transgression” against me to Him…I find that if I have the perspective that they need MY forgiveness, I forget that they have a higher Source to whom they need to repent, not to me.  Many, many times, the person who is hurting me is hurting others, as well, and really, hurting themselves most of all.

Step Two:  ask the Holy Spirit to move my heart into a place of forgiveness and move me into the flow of LOVE for the individual, allowing me to see them with open eyes, seeing them as God sees them, the broken, wounded and damaged person they are, just as much as I am!  I then begin to move into a place where, no matter what they have done to me (or are doing?), I can respond to them from a place of love, grace and compassion, even while taking myself out of their path and influence as appropriate.

Some of the greatest testimonies to the grace of God are examples of those who have surrendered to this mystery of complete forgiveness of an “enemy” and have then moved with love and compassion toward them…even while they are in the throes of being attacked or hurt (one such example is found in the book In the Presence of My Enemies by Gracia Burnham).  

For me as a Christian, being able to live a life of forgiveness through the power of the indwelling of Christ within me glorifies God, because forgiveness is not a “normal” or natural human reaction when experiencing great harm and damage, either physically or mentally.  As one becomes more spiritually mature and transformed within, focused on living with “the mind of Christ” and living the Law of Love, this transformation comes as I live out the Biblical metaphor of becoming a new creation in Christ.

Step Three:  Understand grace and what role grace plays in interpersonal relationships—not just extended to me by God, but extended by me to my fellow man.  I believe that one can only truly forgive when one understands (as much as is possible on this side of eternity) the dynamics of grace and how God’s grace and his Spirit within me allow me to supernaturally extend that kind of grace to others.  I do not see how forgiveness and grace can be separated; they are so interwoven and intertwined.

There is a reason why Jesus taught his disciples to pray “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  I am forgiven of so much by the grace of God.  That knowledge brings me to a place of being able to extend that kind of REAL, deep and meaningful grace to those who trespass against me, but in order to do that, I have to remember that I am also ultimately forgiven—not perfect, but forgiven.